my vag is so smooth its legendary
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
