8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
