it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.