if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy