I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?