Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
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Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.