Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
