You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
