I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
