sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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