I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
