im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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