I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
