I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
