Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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