Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
