My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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