I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
