When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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