I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
