i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
