Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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