me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
