I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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