walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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