He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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