I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.