Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
