i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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