masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
