Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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