Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
