I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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