she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
