I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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