So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
