I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
