He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
