Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The air taste purple.
Randomize
