You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
