There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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