Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
