where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
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We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
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We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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