I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
sex in a hospital.. check
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
