If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
