I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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