I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
