I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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