He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
