dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
