Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why can't burritos get me drunk
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
