i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
