Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
