Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
