from now on my penis is your penis
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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