If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
soo... how was my night?
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