I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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