Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
